No one wants a liar, a thief, or a cheat for a partner; however, wishing and hoping won’t attract and keep an honest man.
Of course, you want an honest man! And you can be sure that an honest man wants an honest partner — or he won’t stick around.
Most of us hold integrity as our most important value, so it’s key we focus on living up to our values if we want to attract honest men. For many of us — even those of us who try to live an honest life — that means making a few simple changes, and holding ourselves to those standards.
Remember: These are not tips for “hooking” an honest man, but rather lasting changes to make in your life in order to have an genuine and deep relationship with an honest person.
Six things you may have to adjust within yourself, in order to attract an honest man
1. Know who you are and what you want.
Many people don’t really know who they are and what they want. If you don’t know what you want, explore that. Understanding what you need to be satisfied and fulfilled can take time.
If you want them to be honest with them, you must also be honest. You are not showing kindness if you value kindness but criticize your partner when they don’t do things the way you want. Of course, no one is perfect; however, someone who values kindness will practice being kind to others and themselves.
Imagine dating someone, and you are getting serious. You tell them you want to be a mother and have children, and they tell you, “I don’t want children,” or that they don’t want more kids. If you stay with them, your action implies you don’t really want children. That can confuse the other person and often causes resentment between both of you.
Do your best to align your actions with who you are and what you want. You’ll become clearer as you tune in to your own intuition to know yourself and your truth.
2. Know you deserve love and appreciation.
Many women feel like they are not enough. Everyone deserves love; many of us didn’t get the love we wanted and needed as children. Most of us are still trying to get that love from others; not everyone knows how to show love.
I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like to be told they matter. I’ll bet you want to hear that, and so do they. Talk together about what you both need to feel appreciated, then give it to each other.
When you are in a relationship with a healthy, honest man, you need to receive their love, not just show love back. If they show appreciation for you when you do something nice for them, let it in and make sure they know how much it means.
We want people to let us know what we do matters, and then when they tell us how much they appreciate what we did, we say things like, “It’s no big deal,” when it was a big deal.
If your honest man doesn’t appreciate what you’ve done, share with him that you want to be in a relationship where each of you is shown appreciation and not taken for granted. Talk about how your needs are different from each other and what you both are willing to do.
3. Discover and share what you need to feel loved.
What if one or both of you really don’t know what you need to feel loved? This can happen because of what we learn as children.
When someone is a “Pleaser,” they accept requests because they want to be loved or don’t want to be rejected if they say “no.” You might not know what you need because, as a child, your parents didn’t encourage you to understand how you felt. Sometimes your parents may have told you not to feel that way and do what your parent(s) said. You disconnected from your truth.
I recommend you both take the Love Language Quiz to learn more about what you need to feel loved. It’s quick and easy and helps you both learn how to show love in your partner’s language and clarify your love language. Provide feedback to each other, so you both understand what the other needs so you both feel loved.
You want to show your partner how to show their love to you, and you will want to know how to love your partner. Be honest.
If you express gratitude for what they do that touches your heart; they will want to do that more often. Teach them through your appreciation how to love you how you want to be loved.
When we started dating, he joked that he didn’t want to have to bleed to show he cared. I like receiving gifts, but what is way more important to me are acts of service when my partner does things to take care of and support me and gives me quality time when we spend time together that feeds our hearts and souls.
4. Make clear requests for what you want and welcome their requests.
Just because your man is honest doesn’t mean they are a mind-reader. Tell them what you need, where you are uncomfortable, and how you would like things done — whether it’s lovemaking, loading the dishwasher, folding towels, or putting on a new roll of toilet paper.
Recognize that they can also make requests of you. This is an exciting part of your relationship because you are more seriously exploring who they are for you.
When you see yourself as part of a relationship, you will want to support each other, but that doesn’t mean you have to do whatever they want, and neither do they. As you learn more about what you both want and need, you can start saying “no” when you do not want to do something and saying “yes” when you do.
There are three entities to satisfy: you, your partner, and your relationship. Sometimes, you don’t want to do something, but it’s important to the other person, so you do it – hopefully without resentment!
5. Learn to set and hold boundaries.
Many people have a hard time setting boundaries and a harder time holding boundaries. If you set a boundary and the other person doesn’t honor it, even if they forgot or aren’t used to the new rules, a common reaction is to get angry or give up.
Neither is effective. They get angry and walk on eggshells with you or stop telling you how they feel. If you give up, you teach the other person that you weren’t really serious, and you may feel resentful and act out of resentment, not love.
Boundaries communicate what you need to feel safe, loved, and relaxed. They support you in self-care. When you hold them, you are communicating what you need to your partner, and they should be grateful for that, so they don’t have to guess how to take care of you.
If you don’t have boundaries, you are making yourself overwhelmed and/or resentful because you are taking care of your partner and others and not meeting your needs. Don’t wait for your partner to ask you what you need rather than for you to tell them.
It is your job to communicate what you need. Remember, your journey of gaining mastery of boundaries is an adventure for your life.
6. Give your partner and yourself grace.
No one is perfect. Allow a “Do-Over”! My husband and I created a “Do-Over” agreement early in our marriage. We could ask for a Do-Over if we did something that hurt the other and agreed to forgive.
We agreed to let go of negative emotions and started over without resentment or upset. This is how we learned how to navigate difficult situations by getting feedback from each other and giving our partners a second chance.
When something happens that you don’t like, think about how important this will be in 3 months or 3 years. If it’s not devastating, let it go if you see it’s unimportant. When I say, “let it go,” I don’t want you to ignore what didn’t work; instead, talk about it and forgive yourself and them.
Attracting and keeping an honest man, someone you can count on who will be there for you is a blessing. To attract an honest man, you need to be honest and not fooled by someone trying to impress you.
Every man I dated quickly knew that I didn’t like cooking or cleaning. I wanted a partner in life and didn’t need someone to take care of me. I had my own money and house. Sometimes I wished I was in a committed, loving relationship, yet most of the time, I was grateful for my freedom and all I had.
I didn’t marry until I met a man who appreciated my independence, intelligence, willingness to speak up, and sense of humor and wasn’t intimidated by me. I was myself. I’m so passionate about this because it’s what you deserve — to be yourself.
And when our authentic selves live from love, our partners can be their authentic selves, too. That’s when the fun begins.
This article was originally posted on YourTango.