You want to get married. The big question is WHY?
The following 7 reasons are all good reasons to get married:
- You can be yourself when you are with him and he loves you just the way you are and the way you are not and you feel the same about him.
- You don’t plan to change him after you get married. (Do not marry if one or both of you thinks you can change the other.)
- You are friends (best friends) AND lovers, not just lovers.
- You can spend time with him, talk about a lot of different things or talk about nothing and you are not bored.
- You can talk about issues and resolve them by talking it out (at least most of the time).
- You can live a life consistent with your values when you are with him because you share similar values – you both love children and want a family or both don’t want children; you share same religion if that is important to you; similar lifestyle such as health, cleanliness, humor. And where there are differences in values, religion and lifestyle, the differences are not deal-breakers
- You know each other and respect each other
- You are the most important person to him and he is the most important person to you (even if one of you has children because you both know kids must be taken care of but if you don’t take care of your partner, you don’t have a solid foundation for raising children).
The following 7 reasons are all terrible reasons to get married:
YOU YEARN FOR LOVE AND CONNECTION
- You want to feel loved and valued – he says he loves you and that makes you feel special.
- His love helps to fill the hole in your heart because of previous hurts from parents or your exes.
Why is this a bad idea?
- When you look for love from outside you, the most important thing is filling that empty feeling. Unfortunately if you don’t love yourself and know you are worthy of love, in the end, his love cannot fill the hole. And if he’s not someone you love, someone who is good for you, then in the end it will make that hole bigger.
- Yearning for love blinds you from looking at him and seeing if he really is a good partner for you. Often there are red flags warning us that he is not a good mate for us but we ignore the red flags because we want the attention..
YOU ARE ALONE/LONELY
- You don’t like to sleep alone and you want someone to snuggle with
- You don’t want to do everything alone – you want someone to keep you company, go out to dinner with and see movies, and have someone you can count on for vacation travel.
- You hate to be alone – you feel lonely, maybe ashamed that everyone is in a couple but you
Why is this a bad idea?
- Marriage is complicated. If you want company, make new friends and build on the friendships you already have.
- There is an art to picking a great partner and when you are picking a man because he’s a warm body, there is no real commitment.
- Just because you are married doesn’t mean he will want to do the things you want. You still might end up travelling with a friend because he doesn’t want to go where you want to go (and then resent him for not going with you).
HE HAS MONEY
- You’re young:
- You can’t afford to live alone and don’t want to live with parents or friends, and he would be someone you can count on to help pay bills.
- You want nice things and can’t afford to buy them but your boyfriend can.
- Two can live more cheaply than one and your parents will be upset if you are not married.
- You’re tired of working hard and not having things you want.
- You’re resigned about finding true love so you choose a man with money
- You love to … buy expensive shoes, travel the world, drive an expensive car, fill in the blank….
Why is this a bad idea?
- Selling your soul to have money isn’t worth selling your soul. It might be nice at first to have beautiful thing; however, you deserve love and you won’t have it if you trade love for some money.
- If you are marrying for money, you are using him.
- You create a relationship dynamic where you are dependent on him, and you can end up losing respect for yourself or losing the relationship.
- You can’t snuggle with your designer shoes or diamond jewelry.
FIT IN
- Your friends are married so it would be easier to do things with friends if you were married, too
- Your parents/family think you should be married by now and you don’t want to disappoint them
Why is this a bad idea?
- If you choose someone to merge your life with so you can hang out with friends sometimes or not disappoint your parents, and you don’t really love him, you’ll end up miserable with him or end up divorced so you will be alone in the end anyway.
- If you have to be married to fit in, invest in better friendships.
- Being single and living a life you want is an awesome accomplishment and if this is why you are single, your family will hopefully understand and support you. It’s your life! (I didn’t marry til I was 49 and had the opportunity to travel all over the world and within the U.S.
- Only you are living with him – so you need to fit in with yourself first before trying to please others,
BABY – Tic Toc. Your Biological Clock
- You want a baby, and you need a Baby Daddy. He’ll be a sperm donor.
- He’s a good guy and will be a good sperm donor, and then if it doesn’t work, he will pay child support and maybe his parents would be good grandparents.
- You need a baby to love you.
Why is this a bad idea?
- A baby daddy can make your life very complicated if he isn’t an awesome dad.
- When you are desperate to have a baby, you are likely to make poor choices – and this man will be a part of your life and your child’s life for your whole life/
- A baby daddy is, in truth, a biological daddy but it doesn’t mean he will be a father to your child. Pick a man you love and respect who will be there as your child grows up (even if you get divorced he will still be a great dad).
HE ASKED YOU
- He asked you, and maybe there won’t be another proposal so you better say yes.
- See #1 or any of the other reasons
Why is this a bad idea?
- You give up your right to pick a man you want and you deserve that.
- You are not looking at if he’s good for you – and that means there’s a good chance your relationship won’t work because you don’t know what you really need to have a great relationship.
YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM
- You are willing to settle for someone.
- You don’t think you will love anyone so you might as well be with him.
Why is this a bad idea?
- Making a marriage work takes effort and when you don’t love them, you often don’t have the motivation to make it through the rough spots. You are setting yourself up for divorce from the beginning.
- When you do not love him, it’s like being with a friend with benefits and while that might be fine for awhile, your marriage doesn’t feed your soul. When you have a heart-to-heart connection, you can love him deeply and that connection is fulfilling. Don’t sell out on having a real partner in life to have company.
If you’re ready to make a change, go to my Contact Page and send Marilyn a message about what you want.