Imagine You Could Listen with Total Love

I hope by reading this you can make this upcoming Mother’s Day a happier day for you (whether you’re a mom or a child) … 

My mom was an incredible woman.  She was loving and when I was a teen, all my friends loved coming to my house and sitting at the kitchen table with my mom.  I was happy to share my “mother’s love” with them.   

I’m not saying it was perfect – when I completed my Masters and moved to my  job in Washington DC, my mom and I talked almost every week.  She would usually ask me these 3 questions:

  • Are you gaining weight?
  • Do you need a haircut?
  • Are you dating someone Jewish? (I didn’t want to get married and one strategy to avoid pressure from my mom was to avoid dating Jewish men. Therefore, she asked in the hopes I’d meet a Jewish guy.)

I was insulted (and hurt) when my mom asked me these questions – I was in my mid-20’s and it felt like she didn’t think I was mature enough to manage my weight, hair and who I was dating.  When I was age 31, I was in a transformational educational program and realized that my mom’s concern was because she didn’t want me to be alone.  When I realized that, I listened to each question as if she was saying “I love you. I want what’s best for you.”

I let go of the resentment and heard it as total love. That realization shifted my relationship with my mom.  I call this “Generous Listening.” At some point, either she stopped asking or I stopped noticing. 




My mom was my best friend. She always made time to listen, and I made time for her.  We shopped and went on trips (London and Hawaii where we rode in a helicopter). We often went to movies, and I introduced her to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. By the end, she was talking over the soundtrack just like everyone else!

I had been dating Chuck three months when I invited him to meet my parents at my home in Washington, D.C. My mom’s first question was “You’ve been divorced twice. What makes you such a great catch?”  My sweet mom wasn’t meaning it as an insult; she was vetting him!  He basically answered that I was an amazing woman and he loved me, and she softened immediately. She, of course, went on to give her blessing once she saw how happy I was.  He wasn’t Jewish.

Six months later, I moved to Dallas to get married to Chuck.  My mom was hospitalized a month after I moved and told me to plan the wedding in Dallas and they would come to Dallas. A month later, I realized my mom wouldn’t be able to attend the Dallas wedding. I flew to Pittsburgh where my parents lived, and planned another wedding the week so my parents could be there. Most of the guests were family and their friends so I let everyone else spend time with my mom. I was coming back in less than 2 weeks with my husband to spend the weekend with my parents talking about the wedding.



That next Sunday, at the Dallas wedding, my brother called me at the reception and told me mom was slipping into a coma.  I flew home the next morning and by the time I got to my parent’s home Monday afternoon, she was already in a coma. She died Tuesday afternoon and I never had that final conversation to talk about everything wedding. I wanted to share that with her. I am still sad we never had that chance. That’s been almost 24 years now.

I was so happy my new step-children (five of them from ages 15 – 25) got to meet her and so sad they didn’t have a chance to get to know her.  My mom showed me the understanding and tools to be a mom, and I channeled my mom’s love with them and, in turn, with my grandchildren. While things aren’t always perfect, I know I would not be who I am as a mom without this incredible and loving woman.

A few years later, when my dad passed away, I saw a counselor to help me grieve my dad and my mother’s death. She told me in 30 years of counseling, she had never met anyone who came to see her because they totally loved their mom. Everyone came with regret.  She shared with me that when our session ended, she was going to call her mom and tell her she loved her. 

Here’s why I’m writing this…

As a relationship coach, many of my clients have a situation where they feel insulted or hurt by their mom or dad, or other family, a best friend, or someone at work…  

Almost all of us have ways of thinking and acting that are emotional habits we created as children – I call them “survival habits.” For example, we learned to withdraw, act out, or get angry when we were afraid or hurt. Now that we’re adults, these automatic reactions prevent us from having the deep connections we desire with the people we care about.  We literally push people away.  And so does everyone else. 

One of the skills that is critical to loving, intimate relationships is having a “Generous Listening.”  Assume the best in someone when they ask you a question like “Are you getting fat?”. It’s usually not about you – it’s about them and their beliefs, expectations, and wounds. (I’m not saying don’t set boundaries; I am saying you and get curious why they said that. You don’t have to react.) 

If you want to live from love and let go of the resentment, you can learn to listen with love to your Mom or Dad, or other important people in your life. You can create closer, more intimate relationships, and you don’t have to do it alone!  I’d love to hear from you.  We all need support.

Send me a message at info@LoveLeadConnect.com or book a Brief Call and let me know what you want and what you need. 

P.S. Check out my Amazon best-selling book “Why did you load the dishwasher like that? 9 Whopping Mistakes That Push Love Away.” It’s full of skills (and mindset) to create loving relationship and ways to practice so you can begin to live them in your life. 

Give yourself “Total Permission to Say ‘Yes’ to Life” as a Woman

Have you heard this song by Wahkeena Sitka – called “Total Permission to Say ‘Yes’ to Life?” I invite you to listen to 3:25 minutes of the feminine desires of the heart that she is expressing with such joy! https://youtu.be/dXEsN-LPsVY Wow, when I heard this song, it...

3 Tips to Have a Great Valentine’s Day

We all want to love and feel loved and February 14th is one of the few days where it's a special day all over the world. How do you have a loving day no matter what your situation? Express Loving Feelings:  Tell and show people you care about/love how you feel....

7 Terrible Reasons To Get Married (That Are More Common Than You’d Think!)

You want to get married.  The big question is WHY? The following 7 reasons are all good reasons to get married: You can be yourself when you are with him and he loves you just the way you are and the way you are not and you feel the same about him. You don’t plan...

What Can We Learn From Simone Biles Putting Herself First?

Why did Simone Biles withdrew herself from the US women's gymnastic team yesterday after one rotation? Anticipated to win the team gold medal, without Biles, the team placed second. She knew that she was not in the right "headspace," feeling like something was off....

Create a Fresh Restart (If You Are Willing to Let Go of The Familiar)

There are several times during the year when there can be a recognition that this is a good time to make a change or start something new.  For example, the beginning of the year is seen as a great time to declare a break from the past.   Other times include...

The Modern Awakened Woman

"A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination, prepared to be herself and only herself.” —Maya Angelou What does it mean to be an Awakened Woman? The Awakened Woman is not a new...

20 Great Date Ideas (instead of 20 Questions) to Get to Know Your Date

So, you made it past the first few dates! Now what? How you go about getting to know this new person depends on what your purpose is in dating. The kind of person you want to just have fun with or have sex with may be very different from the kind of person who you...

What is the Energy of Love?

The Energy of Love is a conversation I have often, one that inspires me each and every day to do what I do. When we live in the power and Energy of Love, we live our lives with an open heart - ready to give and receive love in a way that is integral to the growth of...

This New Normal of Uncertainty & How to Relax

 Are all the changes you are dealing with in this "new reality" having you more reactive that you normally are?  Are your relationships with family, friends and work colleagues being impacted?  Are you more emotional? I have always cried when I read or...

11 Things I Would Never Do as a Stepmom of Teens and Young Adults

I married for the first time at age 49. My 5 step kids were 15-24 when we married. I was lucky when I was growing up. My mom was very loving and kind and everyone loved her.  I was heartbroken when she died a week after our wedding because my stepchildren didn’t...